I'm shrinking myself.

I've been having urges again. I hate that I can't do anything about them. I don't like being so powerless.

She says this is normal...that it's just a phase. It doesn't feel like a phase. 

I've been having suicidal thoughts again. Just want it to stop. I wish I could do something to make it go away, but of course I'm too weak as usual.

I wish people wanted me...for something, anything really. It feels nice to be wanted. Sometimes I think Peter is not enough. That....that I need more then that. It's stupid, I know. 

Gabriel has been cutting again. I don't like it when he does this. It makes Peter so angry with me. He made me do bad things in the shower...I didn't mean to make him mad. Maybe I'll write about it on my other blog but I just want this one to be about thoughts and stuff. 

My biological mother has set up an appointment to meet me. I don't know how I feel about that. I feel like she's trying to mess with my mind. I feel like she won't like me, won't like how I talk, won't like how I look, won't like how I'm not straight...sometimes I wish I was, but then I think about what it would be like without him, sad, lonely, depressing. 

I don't know.