I Remember (1)

I remember the way your hair smelt of smoke.

I feel...

Dirty, used, broken, annoying, stupid, dark, sad, lonely, scared...I wish I knew how to control such emotions. It would come in handy quite often. Social situations would be much easier for me to tackle.

I had a really bad dream last night. He was there in my bed, lying on his side looking at me, he said he was glad he sold me. I blinked and he was gone. I had just fallen asleep again when the phone started ringing. I got up and answered it. It was her this time. She said I was worthless and that I would be better off dead. she said that I was dirty and that nobody would ever love me. I blacked out.

Brei must've been out because my head was fuzzy and there was blood on the floor. I had hit my head on the counter top when I fell. I stood up and clicked the redial button on the phone. It was my therapist and she kept saying that she was sorry. I don't know why. Then again, I don't usually understand human interactions.

Dif-tor heh smusma

Sylar

Vacations

My therapist is on vacation and it sucks. I don't know who to ask about things. I don't trust just anybody with these kinds of questions but I'm getting desperate. It scares me.

stupid.

I messed it up. Again. She's going to hate me forever. 

therapy

I don't understand how everybody expects me to be better after the tinniest bit of therapy. How they expect me to come home a changed man. How they expect me to wake up a new person. I just don't understand. It took years to make me this way so it only makes sense that it would take years to turn me back into the person I used to be...I don't remember who that is though...Adlar? Gabriel? Me? Me of course. I'm the cause of everybody's problems.

I'm supposed to be a girl. Mom said so. I'm supposed to be a girl because otherwise they won't love me...they'll send me away. Nobody loves me and no one ever will. I'll just stay here. Trapped forever. I was trapped as a boy, why shouldn't I be now? Nothing's changed. 

She says I'm getting better but I find it so hard to believe her. I'm so tired. 

the title of this blog doesn't make any sense...

I don't know what else to call it but none of this is 'in the past' it's more of a 'me writing whatever is on my mind' before I go to bed or whenever.

I'm shrinking myself.

I've been having urges again. I hate that I can't do anything about them. I don't like being so powerless.

She says this is normal...that it's just a phase. It doesn't feel like a phase. 

I've been having suicidal thoughts again. Just want it to stop. I wish I could do something to make it go away, but of course I'm too weak as usual.

I wish people wanted me...for something, anything really. It feels nice to be wanted. Sometimes I think Peter is not enough. That....that I need more then that. It's stupid, I know. 

Gabriel has been cutting again. I don't like it when he does this. It makes Peter so angry with me. He made me do bad things in the shower...I didn't mean to make him mad. Maybe I'll write about it on my other blog but I just want this one to be about thoughts and stuff. 

My biological mother has set up an appointment to meet me. I don't know how I feel about that. I feel like she's trying to mess with my mind. I feel like she won't like me, won't like how I talk, won't like how I look, won't like how I'm not straight...sometimes I wish I was, but then I think about what it would be like without him, sad, lonely, depressing. 

I don't know.